23, older and still trying to be better

on the playlist:
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz


You know, sometimes I worry that maybe there is something wrong with me for having been so single all this time and never having had a real long-lasting boyfriend... but at the same time I kind of always felt my instincts has always lead me in the right directions. And the times I didn't listen to them were always something to be learned from. Nothing I've ever really regretted.

And so as I turned 23 and longed to break from the dreariest birthday ever (thank you statement of purposes, applications, and GRE), I looked back on all the males that have ever graced my love-history as a means of procrastinating/taking a recess.

There haven't been so many, and I am the first to say I have never been an easy target for anyone's affections. As a Filipina raised in high moral standards of the culture, I often, albeit subconsciously, played the tag-you're-it game of love. In gradeschool (even in high school), I would begin to develop crushes all over the place (and my favorite people would be the first to attest to my crush-craziness/boy-craziness). However, as soon as the feelings would begin to be reciprocated, I would IMMEDIATELY lose interest and quite literally run away.

At one point, I even ran away from someone who gave me a very cheesy poem... (okay, but I don't like being caught off-guard... fight or flight, I chose FLIGHT). I think I have an aversion to horrible horrible cheesy poetry. Funny cheesy poetry is okay. But scary cheesy gross poetry give me the shivers. I don't quite remember if I returned the paper...but I sort of have a vague memory of throwing the paper at him. I am a horrible person sometimes, I know.

Later, as I grew into being a country-hopping adventurer, I began meeting people left and right. I developed a persona of adventuress extraordinaire and the apparent mystique I emitted made me sort of a target for the roguish fellas that were more Francis MacComber's safari guide.

Needless to say, on most accounts anyway, I stuck to the coy flirtations and refused any physical advances. However, I have fallen prey to a couple of a-holes like that, but mostly because my curiosity overpowered my good judgement.


At anyrate (that may have been TMI, even for myself), through Facebook, I have been able to gain wonderful hindsight that confirmed my good decisions. Where are these fellas now? Some have not changed. Some have done quite well for themselves. Some... are still creepy and sending random passive-aggressive messages asking me out and saying how I probably still wouldn't go out with them ever. One, in particular, is happily married with a beautiful little girl.

For the last one, I am so incredibly happy for him. But it did make me wonder if I could nearly have been the wife with child had I crumbled to his sweet advances. FREAKS ME OUT. But anyway, happy for him.




So...I'm giving this long-distance thing a shot. Who knows. I have a 2-week limit for crushes if I actually want to date them. For relationships, 1 month has been my maximum. Maybe this thing with the poet is working because he isn't around. But hey, puzzle pieces. I'm still trying to fit them.

At least I'm not throwing poetry back into guy's faces anymore... or running away immediately. Haha, yay for progress.