my wanderlust calls

"The world is a great volume, and man the index of that book; even in the body of man, you may turn to the whole world." - John Donne


The mini-vacation to London, Madrid and Granada has been fantastic. Bridging my two lives by sharing it with a very good and close friend has been so much fun. As Martin Heidegger said, "The world is what I share with others." It is what I share with the ones I most care about.

Being a nomadic soul, I have found that I am quite lucky in having so many people love and care about me all over the world. But the one melancholy footnote in my book is not being able to bridge my chapters together. I have grown and changed immensely from page to page of my life but I have become too accustomed to leaving the last page, never turning it back and never sharing it with anyone.

It can be pretty lonely realizing that though people know you and how you are, there is not a single soul in the world that actually knows you completely. My experiences have come to define me so strongly but no one knows my details. I have only seen everyone passing through bits and pieces of my life and have become so used to it (and so guarded because of it) that opening up to find someone who could keep up, appreciate, and understand my story has yet to happen. My story just hasn't been too conducive to life-long anything, and I now understand that that is what keeps me damaged.

I am in limbo. Limbo sucks.



So I'm thinking of drastically changing my life again so I can run away from my internal conflict. Moving to London, Spain, or Southeast Asia for the spring? Teaching English in some remote village of Thailand or Vietnam. Maybe join my cousin in the Philippine jungle to help poor farmers survive? Something that would divert my attention to positivity and helping the betterment of the world.

My wanderlust is calling, but traveling for me is my time to be alone and to think, reassess and renew myself. I can be a ghost--an observer with no identity. I can be a nobody that objectively unravels the beauty and complexity of the outside world. I travel alone to understand my relationship to the universe, but I think I've finally had my fill, and I feel the need for change.

Another chapter... I'll just try to be better at leaving certain pages open with ellipses.