my wanderlust calls

"The world is a great volume, and man the index of that book; even in the body of man, you may turn to the whole world." - John Donne


The mini-vacation to London, Madrid and Granada has been fantastic. Bridging my two lives by sharing it with a very good and close friend has been so much fun. As Martin Heidegger said, "The world is what I share with others." It is what I share with the ones I most care about.

Being a nomadic soul, I have found that I am quite lucky in having so many people love and care about me all over the world. But the one melancholy footnote in my book is not being able to bridge my chapters together. I have grown and changed immensely from page to page of my life but I have become too accustomed to leaving the last page, never turning it back and never sharing it with anyone.

It can be pretty lonely realizing that though people know you and how you are, there is not a single soul in the world that actually knows you completely. My experiences have come to define me so strongly but no one knows my details. I have only seen everyone passing through bits and pieces of my life and have become so used to it (and so guarded because of it) that opening up to find someone who could keep up, appreciate, and understand my story has yet to happen. My story just hasn't been too conducive to life-long anything, and I now understand that that is what keeps me damaged.

I am in limbo. Limbo sucks.



So I'm thinking of drastically changing my life again so I can run away from my internal conflict. Moving to London, Spain, or Southeast Asia for the spring? Teaching English in some remote village of Thailand or Vietnam. Maybe join my cousin in the Philippine jungle to help poor farmers survive? Something that would divert my attention to positivity and helping the betterment of the world.

My wanderlust is calling, but traveling for me is my time to be alone and to think, reassess and renew myself. I can be a ghost--an observer with no identity. I can be a nobody that objectively unravels the beauty and complexity of the outside world. I travel alone to understand my relationship to the universe, but I think I've finally had my fill, and I feel the need for change.

Another chapter... I'll just try to be better at leaving certain pages open with ellipses.

The quest for violin-playing goats.

One's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things. - Henry Miller

This past week and a half has been another whirlwind of travel. As always, I learn more and more of myself, the world, the universe and my place in it as I continue traversing oceans, peoples, and places. I can honestly say it's not easy being a traveler, and more often than not, it can become a chore if you are but only touring through.


Travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living. - Miriam Beard.





http://www.bravenewtraveler.com/2008/03/07/50-most-inspiring-travel-quotes-of-all-time/

let the anxiety commence

Ah... post-application nausea.

Week 1: Call from director of grad studies in Mizzou. Rejected because of lack of hard-science background in undergrad. Ah, the sweet life of an anthropology/liberal arts undergraduate upbringing begin to haunt me... At least Matt was sweet about it, and he offered to buy me a drink at the AAPAs. Nice.



Program Acceptance vs. Rejection...

• NSF Graduate Research Fellowship
• Ford Foundation Diversity Fellowship
• Washington St. Louis
  
• Harvard University
• George Washington University
• University of Missouri - Columbia
• SUNY Stony Brook

done...and done.

It was so nice to have reassurance that my choices in life are the right choices. That the path I'm taking is the right path. And that I will be successful and be able to inspire others the way I have been inspired.

And that my instincts are right. I already know the answers. It's just a matter of clearing out the noise and listening to the universe, taking things as they are, and most importantly, getting rid of the negativity.

I am feeling better.
I am feeling free.

And tonight I found out that I'm not new to this world. That I've been here before and I have had a powerful influential past. An entertainer. A traveler. A learner of cultures. Everything makes sense.


Deadline - Program

• Nov 6 NSF Graduate Research Fellowship
• Nov 14 Ford Foundation Diversity Fellowship
• Nov 20+21 SUNY StonyBrook visit
• Dec 30 Graduate Record Exam (GRE) - great depression
  
• Jan 1 Washington St. Louis application deadline
• Jan 2 Harvard University
• Jan 5 George Washington University
• Jan 10 University of Missouri - Columbia
• Jan 15 SUNY Stony Brook

Next week: London & Madrid.
Take life as it is.

Time to repack my two-pair underwear.

mentally slitting my wrists

F*@!$#k!!!

I hate the how my life works sometimes. Stupid GREs. Why??? Why???

Why does the ONE professor I want to work want want to work with me as well? And why does that program and those professors begin speaking about what grants they can nominate me for? Why??? Why when it all comes crashing down thanks to ETS and the program's unbelievably near-perfect minimum for acceptance?

Why?

Slit my throat now please... the disappointment is unbearable.


...
I'm mostly disappointed I left my mentors down. And myself. And the professors who actually want to work with me.

Fuck me.
Fuck me for overachieving in highschool and totally bypassing mathematics and english because I fulfilled requirements before entry into college.

Fuck my overachieving teenage self.




Deadline - Program

• Nov 6 NSF Graduate Research Fellowship
• Nov 14 Ford Foundation Diversity Fellowship
• Nov 20+21 SUNY StonyBrook visit
• Dec 30 Graduate Record Exam (GRE) - great depression
  
• Jan 1 Washington St. Louis application deadline
• Jan 2 Harvard University
• Jan 5 George Washington University
• Jan 10 University of Missouri - Columbia
• Jan 15 SUNY Stony Brook